I disappoint men

Oh no. This is so difficult. I hate playing hard to get. Well, technically, I'm not playing hard to get. Technically, when I hug JB, I do not want him to get turned on. But he does.

And last night, when I hugged him in front of Woolworths, some of my hair got caught in his mouth. He was slightly late for our 6 o' clock meeting and I was getting worried that he might have ditched me. So when he arrived, I was so nervous, I hugged him slightly and then pulled away. But some of my hair got caught in his mouth. I walked away quickly, and said "Somehow I always get my hair stuck in people's mouths". I didn't quite hear what he said in response to that, but it was something like "I hope you don't do that to too many people".

I hate that he's such a soft-spoken guy. I hate that he's this shy, and that he doesn't kiss me and get it over with. I hate that he looks at me with his big, soft eyes, and ruffles my hair when I'm acting cute (I hate how that reminds me of Angry Lecturer). I hate that he appears to be such a nice guy. I also hate that he is fat(tish), pushing 40, renting accommodation, has very little furniture (the flat he stays in is furnished), and smokes weed/dagga/zol.

I like that he reads. I like how he dissects one of my many highly emotional rants and tells me in his thoughtful way that I'm talking rubbish. I like that he's Jewish. I like how he has two candlesticks on the dinner table. It reminds me of Ex-Lover. In a good way, though. It reminds me of our last couple of months together. Even though things were not perfect, we had our little Friday night Seder. For a month or so. And it was fun. Never mind that I read the prayer off the internet. Never mind that we were always fighting afterwards. Never mind that we no longer speak, I'll always remember some of the good we had.

Anyway. JB, I can imagine, is disappointed. In his mind, we're dating. And I'm too scared to tell him that we're not. I like his company, but I'm still pining for Angry Lecturer, though JB thinks I'm still pining for Ex-Lover. I still haven't made any mention of Angry Lecturer. I'll cry if I tell anyone about him. I'm also afraid that JB will tell me Angry Lecturer is a nebish, and that I should forget about him. Because if he does that, JB will be just one of those guys who say stuff to get you into bed. Or that's how I will see him. Even though it might not be true.

I quit Facebook

Yesterday I did something that I thought might have been a mistake: I took Angry Lecturer off my Facebook profile. I panicked for a while, sent him an sms to notify of the 'change' and then panicked some more. "What if this is a mistake?", I thought. "What if he mistakes my motives?", I wondered. "Perhaps I should send him an explanatory email", I figured at last.

So I did. And received absolutely no response. Of course, what was I thinking?

But then I did something that I still admire: I quit facebook. Well, I quit my 'real' facebook profile. The Michelle Hooper profile is still up. So if you ever feel you want to add me, go ahead.

It's been less than two hours sans Facebook, and I can't say that I miss it. Sure, it'll be strange not logging into it anymore, but Facebook has only given me headaches. Especially in regards to Angry Lecturer. We had many spates because of Facebook: the pictures episode; the wall episode;and the supposedly kinky gifts episode.

So yes, I will miss it, but not today. I'm too relieved. Besides, I can always re-activate my account when I feel like it.

Life carries on

I removed Angry Lecturer from my Facebook profile. I also did something silly: I wrote him an sms and an email to explain why. I'm sure he is relieved that I can no longer view his little profile. It will probably make life so much easier for him.

Let me introduce you

Ex-Mr Perfect called me today, asking what I'm doing. He's such a playa, this one. He nearly broke my heart circa 2006, when I thought I'm in love with him.

We met, went on a day-trip to Matjiesfontein, kissed. He then left for a holiday and when he came back, we started a shagathon that lasted a couple of months. It was divine, but I was hoping for more than what he could or would give me. I didn't want to believe he had a girlfriend. It was a similar situation to the Friends episode 'The one with the butt'. Chandler meets this unbelievably attractive woman, but on their first date, she mentions her husband. And she also mentions her boyfriend. Chandler is in lust, so he considers for a second, and then decides he'll get the best of both worlds.

I didn't see it like that. Ex-Mr Perfect took me to some nice restaurants, and lavished so much attention on me, of course I fell in love. He knew just how to make me melt.

Well, today I told him I am no longer a good time girl. He shouldn't rely on me for fantastic sex. Yes, of course I am horny, but he needs to find a new girl. Hell, it's been two years since our last 'encounter'. So he must've been rather desperate to call me. He even took me out for a chocolino.
It was fun being with him. But the attraction is gone. Two years is a long time. And he's getting older. I might consider shagging him again, but I do not think it'll be very soon. Unless he gets me a Louis.

JL

I'm missing Mr JL. He told me he's on his way to London on Thursday. Or was it yesterday? I can't remember. I was so surprised to hear from him, that I switched off my brain for an hour or so. All I could think of, was whether he is annoyed with me. I hope he isn't.

See, we haven't been spending much time together these last couple of weeks. Things have been difficult. I moved in with two girls and he is always travelling. Those are not the ideal circumstances in which to conduct an extra-marital affair. Let's just call it an affair. Extra-marital affair is such tautology.

Do I love him? Yes, what a silly question. He is probably one of the very few people who tries to understand me. Yes, I'm sure he thinks I'm a little bit crazy, but he is also my biggest fan. Or so it seems.

I never ask him about his family. Or, not much. I only ever ask after the boys. And I try to be low-fuss. He doesn't need another nagging female in his life. So I'm waiting on him to contact me again. Sometime soon.

Who's my BFF?

I'm no longer sure if I have a best friend. I don't even have a GFF anymore. I used to think Ex-Lover is my best friend. Well, one of my best friends, because Robyn was one of the other BFFs.

We are so alike. So very alike. She's my confidante. She's one of the few people who know all about my semi-shady past. But things have been bad these last two months or so.

We no longer communicate as much as we used to. True, she is busy at work, but I miss seeing her. I've seen her once during the last two months. It also does not help that she has a new lover boy who is keeping her busy. And that she moved to a Mars beginning of last month.

My other two BFFs are flatmates. The younger one, Ms Woolllies, and I have been friends since early 2005. I only met her flatmate Leandra at the end of last year. We met up a couple of times, and Leandra and I fell in love. She's such a fun person to be around with, of course I liked her.

The three of us spent many weekends together, until recently. Something is different. I don't know what, but there has been a shift. They're uncommunicative and when I do phone to find out how things are, they're abrupt and do not sound very happy to hear from me. Invitations are left unanswered and SMSs get ignored. I'm sure I did or said something to irritate them; if only they could tell me what it is, though. That would make things easier for us.

I miss Ex-Lover. So much. I miss cooking for him (never mind that I can only make Spaghetti bolognaise); I miss fussing over him; I miss fighting with him. But, that will never happen again, so I'll have to find me a new obsession.

Angry Lecturer is online right now. I did something bad. I used his correct name in my last blog post on the old blog. I only did it because I want to know whether he is really reading my blog. And I'm hoping this will prompt him to confess. But it might not.

The first post

Nice. I start a new blog and Google thinks I'm some sort of spambot, and blocks me access to it. Well, I can't view the blog, but at least I can post to it. As though that is all I want.

I'm starting this new blog because I sense a change in my life. There are so many changes, both financial, emotional and also in the relationships with my friends. It's not even spring yet, so I can't blame it on the seasons. But it's autumn, so that might be it. Or perhaps not.

Whatever it is, I'm hoping it's for better, and not for worse. Not that the last couple of months have been horrific; however, I want to be happy(ier) than what I have been of late. I have spent far too long moping over Angry Lecturer; I have spent far too much effort on sustaining dead-end relationships with friends who cancel plans at the very last minute; I have been content with a tiny salary for months; and I have been living in denial over my parents' needs for years.

It's time to do something about all these issues. Angry Lecturer is a sweet guy, but I think he should be avoided henceforth. I don't see how things can ever work out between us. Well, if things do work out, great. And I'll even stay in touch with him until July, just to see if there's hope. But that's how long he gets from me.

The friends issue. Well, I lost a good friend. My ex-boyfriend. His new girlfriend (with whom he cheated on me last year) does not want him to contact me at all. I spent this morning in tears. He thought I wanted him back. I suppose a very, very, very small part of me is hoping to patch things up with him, but the majority feels it's flogging a dead horse. We've tried so many times. There's no point. Besides, he has a girlfriend now.

The other friends are unreliable. They'll think nothing of cancelling plans at the last minute. Or not calling me for weeks. I want to believe I go to some lengths to keep my relationships in good order. I want to believe I am a great friend. So where are my good friends?

Another reason for this new blog is that too many of my friends read the old one. Even Mr JL. Especially Mr JL. No matter how many times I have asked him to stop, he persisted. I might still update the old site, but I think it's time for a clean break. Besides, I always worried that Angry Lecturer found the URL. It's possible.

Possible new Jewish Luvva?

There are a couple of guys who I think might be interested in me. One of them, JB, is a sweetie pie. I think he's adorable, but he is short and chubby. And it seems he has a couple of hang ups over his weight. From childhood. That's not attractive.

I like that he is Jewish. That normally means they're not religious. Well, it's true for Cape Town, which is where I stay. I don't like that he smokes weed, or that he is renting accommodation at his age.

Ex-Lover used to smoke weed every day. I doubt JB smokes every day, but it's just so off putting. Which is funny, because Angry Lecturer smokes cigarettes, and I still kissed him. Still shagged him. Still loved him. Still miss him.

I do like chatting to JB. And yes, I do get turned on occasionally by the thought of kissing him. But it's a fleeting feeling. I was wondering what he would do if I kissed him. He'd probably be surprised, but I'm sure he would enjoy it tremendously. I imagine him to be a gentle kisser. He won't use too much tongue; he will hold me tightly in his big arms; he will press my body close and kiss me for hours.

Yum. I could do with that right now. If only he weren't shy. If only he would pull me closer and not just give me a hug when I get out of his car after another long night out on the town.

But I also like what we're doing. We're just enjoying each other's company, with absolutely no pressure. This is great. This, Angry Lecturer insists, is what he wants from me. No pressure. We'll have to see about that.

It's the third time I see JB. Tonight wasn't a date, though it might have looked like one. We went to a restaurant slash coffee shop in Gardens, frequented by fighting couples. We'd take turns to listen to the arguments and smile at each other. Fuck. I should be careful. I find it so easy to fall in lust or in love. Or in both. I should probably stop describing him, or only focus on his flaws. That will make it easier to dismiss him. Which is what I want, because he is not my type.

I like tall, dark, brooding men. Men who make me cry. Men who give me hassle. Men who do not treat me right. Men who do not give a damn. Those are the type of men I prefer. Tall, dark, brooding intellectuals who chain-smoke.