I disappoint men

Oh no. This is so difficult. I hate playing hard to get. Well, technically, I'm not playing hard to get. Technically, when I hug JB, I do not want him to get turned on. But he does.

And last night, when I hugged him in front of Woolworths, some of my hair got caught in his mouth. He was slightly late for our 6 o' clock meeting and I was getting worried that he might have ditched me. So when he arrived, I was so nervous, I hugged him slightly and then pulled away. But some of my hair got caught in his mouth. I walked away quickly, and said "Somehow I always get my hair stuck in people's mouths". I didn't quite hear what he said in response to that, but it was something like "I hope you don't do that to too many people".

I hate that he's such a soft-spoken guy. I hate that he's this shy, and that he doesn't kiss me and get it over with. I hate that he looks at me with his big, soft eyes, and ruffles my hair when I'm acting cute (I hate how that reminds me of Angry Lecturer). I hate that he appears to be such a nice guy. I also hate that he is fat(tish), pushing 40, renting accommodation, has very little furniture (the flat he stays in is furnished), and smokes weed/dagga/zol.

I like that he reads. I like how he dissects one of my many highly emotional rants and tells me in his thoughtful way that I'm talking rubbish. I like that he's Jewish. I like how he has two candlesticks on the dinner table. It reminds me of Ex-Lover. In a good way, though. It reminds me of our last couple of months together. Even though things were not perfect, we had our little Friday night Seder. For a month or so. And it was fun. Never mind that I read the prayer off the internet. Never mind that we were always fighting afterwards. Never mind that we no longer speak, I'll always remember some of the good we had.

Anyway. JB, I can imagine, is disappointed. In his mind, we're dating. And I'm too scared to tell him that we're not. I like his company, but I'm still pining for Angry Lecturer, though JB thinks I'm still pining for Ex-Lover. I still haven't made any mention of Angry Lecturer. I'll cry if I tell anyone about him. I'm also afraid that JB will tell me Angry Lecturer is a nebish, and that I should forget about him. Because if he does that, JB will be just one of those guys who say stuff to get you into bed. Or that's how I will see him. Even though it might not be true.